It's Going to be Ok...

Sometimes I freak out, actually I freak out a lot. I don't mean to get all crazy, but sometimes it is the only reaction that makes sense. I am, by nature, a very reactionary and dramatic person. I think this is part of the reason acting comes so naturally to me. It doesn't take much to get me to a place of high emotion. As great as this may be for my acting career it can occasionally cause huge problems in my personal life.

There are times in life, like right now actually, where I just feel like everything is coming at me all at once. Being Buddhist I grasp the concept that if all of this negative energy is coming at me then I am bringing it into my environment... my question then becomes "what am I doing to cause all of this?" Obviously, figuring out the answer to this and fixing it is where my human revolution comes into play. But honestly all I want to do is either hide in a dark corner and rock myself to sleep or to just yell at everyone, tell them they are being unreasonable and extremely rude and then run away. Unfortunately, neither of these options is accepted or practical in our modern day society.

So, instead of doing all these completely unrealistic and terrible things that go through my head when I get into a tizzy, I have to find a way to calm myself down. Sometimes I do it by crying uncontrollably but the more usual way is by having a yelling episode where I vent everything there is to vent (and usually the same issues over and over) until I exhaust myself. Then I walk away from whomever I was yelling it at (usually Gabe because he is the only one around, poor guy) and calm down. I come to my senses tell myself it's going to be ok and then I go apologize to Gabe, and I figure out how to fix the problem or situation.

Currently, I am working on finding a more positive way of releasing that negative energy. I want to be happy, I am focusing a lot of my energy on keeping myself positive. Gabe is naturally an optimistic guy so it is easy for him to quickly turn a bad situation around. I am naturally pessimistic making it extremely hard to switch that negativity flip. Life can be hard. I get that I have it better than a lot of the world, but I still have my obstacles.

For a majority of my life I have let people walk on me. I hate conflict and am unusually compassionate about others, to the point of my own detriment sometimes. I will generally choose others happiness over mine and I have a very difficult time saying "no." I am in the process of changing this. I am done getting walked on. My opinion is valid and should be heard and respected. I should be allowed to choose my happiness sometimes too. Now, though, because everyone was so used to walking on me I am perceived as a bitch, pardon the language, when I do something for myself. This is infuriating to me. Just because I am choosing to think of myself first occasionally does not make me a bad person.

Life is about being happy, and happiness is what I am trying to find in myself right now. I am becoming the person I want to me, someone who stands up for herself while also thinking of others, someone who's thoughts and ideas are respected and heard. Finding this balance is proving to be harder than it sounds. So my journey continues.

What do you guys do when you are feeling crazy? How do you deal with people who treat you disrespectfully?  Would love to hear some of your stories!